Thank you, Pope Benedict. Thank you...

Nearly ten years ago now I worked in the daycare of a local church. Dealing with a sociopath husband, three teenage and pre-teen boys, and younger and more ridiculous hormones of my own, most days gave me grief. I emerged from a bathroom break once, heart heavy, praying my way through the day, and made the sign of the cross over myself, as if hugging myself in prayer.

Not long after the 'director' of the daycare summoned me to her inner sanctum. " Some one saw you cross yourself. ARE YOU CATHOLIC?"

My California-psyche sat stunned at the narrow-minded, pointed-ness of the question.

"I'm sorry, what did you just ask me?"

Venom dripping from her sharp tongue, she repeated."ARE YOU CATHOLIC?"

Huh. I looked at her and said evenly, " As my employer you should know that, under federal law, you are not allowed to ask me any questions like that. What else did you need?"

She didn't have much else to say.

I think I've always been slightly Catholic.

Of course not baptized or raised as such, but living with the constant need for approval from other human beings, all in the name of God, of course, is very Catholic.

Wait. I take that back. On a few levels, I was raised as a Catholic, disguised as a Presbyterian. HA

The late 1960's and 70's in our household, like many others, left little room for varying thought, sex=sin, church attendance: mandatory; God watches naughty little girls -- but Jesus loved me, ♪ this I know, and like all the "red and yellow, ♪ black and white ♪ little children of the world". That was our world back then.

Yes, He does. My born-during-the Depression parents couldn't help it. One side moved from church to church in the Mennonite community, the other grew up United Brethren; both generations fresh out of the tent revival days at the turn of the century -- where EVERYONE WAS A SINNER GOING TO HELL.

Watching the resignation of Pope Benedict put the seal on my decision to not complete my journey into Catholicism.
 Two weeks ago I beat myself up over "not finishing another quest, what a loser I am." The very next day the head of the Church ( in which I'd tried desperately to understand and fit into) stepped down, stating, "After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths due to an advanced age are no longer suited" for the task."

If the Pope can step aside then it's okay for me to do the same, thought I.

And then the Christian in me realized how very Catholic I have lived. Who cares what the Pope chooses for himself? Why does that matter to me????

Granted, Catholicism has done much for the world. Established hospitals, schools, given remarkable aid to poor nations. Done much for humanity and....stayed rooted in humanity.

"On this rock I will build my church, " declared Jesus. And He did. The tomb of St. Peter lies below the Basilica. The Church that sings, " we profess your death o Lord, and proclaim your Resurrection, until You come again..." at every mass, has yet to let go of the death, and yet to fully live in the Resurrection. They still want you to focus on becoming holy... which, for us fully human peeps, is unattainable.

I can't ascribe fully to a faith system that says that Jesus' mother is as holy as He is. He was fully human AND fully divine. She was fully human. Like us.

I can't ascribe fully to a faith that only allows the approved to accept the gift of the Eucharist, the body and blood of Jesus given to all mankind.

I can't ascribe fully to a faith that requires your sins to be absolved by one of your peers, in a confessional. While confession and accountability are necessary for a healthy soul, Jesus did not hang six hours on the cross for me to be forgiven by a seminarian. That's going a little bit backwards. The Jews HAD to go to God through a priest, as well, until the Crucifixion, when the Temple curtain ripped in half, from bottom to top at the moment of His death.

A curtain woven three feet thick and ten feet high. Ripped, in half, to reveal the Holy of Holies. From top to bottom. No human force could have done that.

So I went backwards in my quest to move forwards... which is okay as long as you look at the past in the rearview mirror and not make a u-turn.

I've realized that I've lived my life like some sort of crusading Scarlett O'Hara, always dependent on the kindness of others, and always measuring myself against myself and (what I perceive to be) other's standards, and, not unlike the Catholic church and other zealous religious factions, throwing MY faith into other people's faces trying to coerce them into MY way of thinking. That's not faith.

That's religion.

That's the humanity of faith, the rules, the laws, the doctrine, the dogma. The knowledge.

Webster's sums it up nicely: "a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs."

Human affairs. 

Millions of  Catholics bewildered as to what will happen now, since the normal order of their faith system has been disrupted by a human choosing to be human, and not divine. 

I asked my late father, on the one face-to-face visit we had in 20 years, why in the world he became an Orthodox Jew -- after living a life as Christian proclaiming the freedom of faith from such oppressive religion. In his alcoholically academic vagueness, he mumbled, " I was always looking for more answers."

I'm my father's girl. Always looking for more answers, the surety, the inside scoop, the cocky confidence that comes from Knowing All and Seeing All, and being able to Explain It All. Oye.

It's time I step past the rent Temple curtain, the one torn from top to bottom by an unseen, inexplicable force, beyond the human affairs and into the space which only contains God. No answers. Just God. 

"We proclaim your death oh Lord,♪ and profess your Resurrection, until You come again..."

THAT'S the mystery of faith.